I spend more than half of my waking hours in my office. That’s why I am very picky in choosing a job because a job for me isn’t just a way to earn money so I could continue living. Nor it is just a way for me to impress other people. A job is my way to value myself, to challenge myself and to express myself. It’s one of the few things in life I feel entitled to be selfish because hey, it’s half my life and it’s too precious to be sacrificed just for the satisfaction of other people.
There were two things that I loved the most when I was enrolling in Law School, event organizing and researching. That’s why, after those stressful months of working in a law firm, I decided to pursue a career as an event organizer in a law journalistic company. And that was insofar the best decision I’ve ever made on my career.
I am doing a job I chose to do, not what I was told to do by my parents or lecturers. Even though I’m working in a hectic and dynamic web portal, I have a relatively stress-free work life because I do love my job.
I am doing things that I love. I have my freedom.
So why do I feel like I am trapped, or worst, chained in someone else’s life?
My conscience had kindly phrased it as acceptance, that I don’t really love my job but since I like it better than the other options that I could have, I insisted to love it. That my job is quite possibly the only right job for me, but not necessarily what I really want.
What if this something that I really want to do isn’t available on those long list of options that I currently have?
My boyfriend once asked me, if I had had the chance to change my major so I could have other possible career paths, would I? And without hesitation I said yes, oh yes I would definitely change my major. I would have listened to my conscience on that fateful moment when I chose my major. I would’ve been valuing my interest rather than thinking about pleasing my parents.
I should have circled the Literature major instead of Law.
But now, what can I do? It’s too late, definitely too late for me to start over.
But people say that it’s better late than never.
Really? I’ve spent four years struggling to finish my law degree with flying colors and I definitely won’t just throw it away. It’s better to accept the consequences of my own choice and bear with it, right? It’s not like I regret it that much; Law is still a very interesting subject and with all those happenings on the news my job is still as challenging as ever.
(but now that I think about it wouldn’t it be much more interesting to create an essay on Shakespeare’s works or make an in-depth analysis about how Lovecraft could establish his own genre or just make a review about the newest fiction out there)
Well, whatever. I have no reason not to love my job. I do what I want. And I want to love my job and that’s what I will do. Not even my conscience could tell me otherwise.
(and so if it’s not my conscience who wants it, then who? is it my logic? is it my pride? is it my resignation? is it even my delusion? hallucination?)
(who really knows what i want?)